Top 14 Signs Your Kitty May Be Planning to Kill You
  
14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
  
13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
  
12. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
  
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
  
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
  
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a
   faint whiff of catnip.
  
8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
  
7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
  
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a
   mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
  
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
  
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
  
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
  
2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2
   KAT."
  
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.